I wrote this article originally in response to Thomas Umstattd Jr’s post, “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed.” You can find a link to it here. While I wrote my article, it quickly became much more than a response, and represents much time and thought both on my part, and my dad’s, who patiently read and edited every new copy I gave him. I also have S.H. to thank for sharing Thomas’ article with me which helped to fuel my fire. To God be all the glory!
Marriage has existed since God created Adam and Eve…
He designed it to be beautiful, good, and pure. The question is how should Christians set about getting to marriage? Is there a right or wrong way? There are three main known and accepted “methods” that come to mind. The oldest would be the system of arranged marriage, then courtship, and in more recent history, dating. If we set aside the definitions and terms for these methods, perhaps the better question to ask is how we could best glorify God in this part of our lives?
Unfortunately, the way men and woman should come together in marriage is not cut and dried, or black and white. The way it will happen for each couple is going to be unique and different from anyone else.
I think it is sad that the process for moving towards something as sacred as marriage has become such a sensitive, controversial issue. Recently I read an article by a young man who was a former proponent to courtship. He switched to an opposing stance after seeing and hearing enough negative issues and being convinced by his grandma that courtship was a bad idea.
His blog post, entitled “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”, gained much attention when he wrote it in summer 2014. In a nutshell, he laid out the problems and issues that many courtshippers have been facing, such as power tripping fathers, lack of knowing what kind of person you want to marry, awkwardness, not enough fun involved and more. He then suggested returning to the casual dating methods of the Greatest Generation (those from the Great Depression era and World War II), where guys and gals dated for fun at an early age, decided later who fit them best and then “went steady” until marriage. As someone else observed, this way would be more suited for a perfect world, and less for the fallen, sinful one we live in.
Several of the problematic courtship issues Thomas pointed out are very valid. I have observed a few courting couples who encountered a good deal of the described negativity, and I agree with him that courtship, as it is often practiced can be flawed. Thomas’ assertions and suggestions, however, are completely unfounded, at best naïve, and at worst deceitful.
My purpose for writing this is not to defend courtship, or come up with my own opinion on relationships. Neither is it to badmouth Thomas Umstattd. Rather, my goal is to shed some light on what the Bible reveals about the pursuit of marriage by peeling away our man made definitions and terms. I am not saying that definitions and methods are all bad, but there can be a point when our focus is more on them than on what really matters.
The Wrong View
In the beginning of the article, Thomas Umstattd describes how he used to view courtship. He read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and jumped on the courtship bandwagon. “Dating was evil and courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.” His mentality became that courtship would solve the problem of divorce and create these blissful, romantic marriages. Not so. We live in a fallen, sinful world, and every time humans are involved in any process there will be difficulty.
Thomas has made the observation that divorce amongst couples that courted is on the rise. Currently there are no sound numbers to go by regarding the courtship divorce rate, which he admits. At the same time he is proposing a solution as if courtship has already been proven a failure. His heading, “why the courtship divorce rate is so high”, shows that he already believes it is one of the reasons why courtship is fundamentally flawed. He also says that several of his friends and peers (including himself) haven’t had courtship work for them yet. “Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded.” That statement tells a lot about what has been and still is a problem in many cases. We read books, or listen to a person, and we line ourselves up with a human and a method rather than God. When things don’t happen like we thought, we become disillusioned, bitter and ready to throw in the towel. This is because our viewpoint was wrong in the first place. Courting couples that got divorced definitely had issues that went beyond the fact that they courted. Thomas seemed to think that only courtship was to blame. Courtship, which has been described as a means to avoid the pitfalls of dating, can be abused and corrupted just like anything else. Instead of blaming the method, consider the condition at the heart of the matter – the hearts of those involved.
I know it sounds cliché, but the best way to create a lasting marriage is to be first committed to Christ, then to each other, and to nurturing the relationship for life. There’s more of course, but those are the building blocks for the foundation. If the foundation is strong, it will not be moved when the storms come.
Embracing the world
“My grandmother grew up in a marginally christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity.”
“Traditional dating fits our culture like a glove.”
As Christians we are to be set apart, and different than the rest of the world. Why then is he suggesting that simply because dating fits our culture, we should accept it? He is advocating that we “christianize” the world’s ways of doing things.
Scriptures say, “Come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you.” 2 Corinthians 6:17
“And be not conformed to this world.” Romans 12:2
It should not be that we adopt the methods of the world, or of nominal Christians not guided by Biblical principles. Thomas’ logic in switching to the casual dating system was because the Greatest Generation had a lower divorce rate than we do today. He is not considering the reality that divorce was almost nonexistent in that time, and for years after still carried much social stigma.
Knowing what we want
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.” Proverbs 21:2
There are a many places in the Bible that reveal our sinful nature. Our hearts are not to be trusted when it comes to making significant, life-changing decisions such as whom we will marry. We may think we know what we want in a mate, and what type of person would be compatible with us, but shouldn’t we consider what God wants? Two individuals tendency to get along is important, yet it shouldn’t be the only consideration.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?”
“…by the time she had graduated from high school she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which [guy] she wanted to marry.”
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I would not have known what I wanted in a husband.”
Do we really have to casually date first to decide what kind of person we want to marry? What about consulting the Bible when it comes to determining the godly character you’d like in a spouse? I don’t think that I need to date a few liars or “loose” characters before deciding I don’t want to marry one. There are other ways to observe and seek godly character outside of going on a date with someone. I have known since I was a teenager what I am looking for in a future husband, and it’s not some long, ridiculous list that no one could ever live up to. This kind of man lives for Christ instead of himself, he seeks to serve rather than to be served, and he has a passionate zeal for God that sets him apart. The great thing is I don’t have to date a guy in order to know this. His character is on display for all to see!
Another point Thomas made is the logistic trouble with group interaction amongst young people.
“The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings.”
“…it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that the really are. They need a less intense, 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom.”
I understand this problem all too well, being I often fit into the wallflower category. However, this does not have to be a restricting barrier. I know from personal experience that smaller groups comprised of my more intimate friends helps me to be more open. Going out alone with a guy I don’t know very well WILL NOT. If a young man cannot recognize a girl’s character in a group, he likely will not casually date her long enough for her to open up to him.
Manipulating the Pen
Thomas’ article contained some flawed manipulation methods that bordered on absurd. Here are most of them.
“Traditional dating…also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster.”
“The more guys you meet the faster you will find him.”
“Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parents church after you find your sweetheart.”
The lies here are glaringly obvious. This is all about finding someone to marry, and fast! We wouldn’t want to be single too long because it’s lonely, and awkward, and, dare I say it? Absolutely miserable! Wait a minute. That idea doesn’t seem to ring true with the Bible, does it? Being single is not a curse, and it can be a far cry from misery. I will talk more about this later on.
Find a church with a lot of singles? That’s like reducing relationships to the level of grocery shopping! “Bloom where you are planted” is a good principle to remember. We are not to neglect the church God has already placed us in to fulfill the more “important” task of finding a spouse. That spirit stems from a lack of faith, and essentially tells God we don’t believe he can bring a suitable mate to wherever we are.
He also mentions internet dating/matchmaking sites (the christian ones of course) as also being a good option. I could go on and on about the dangers of that system. Yes, we all probably know at least one happy couple that got together this way. But consider this – in light of God’s word, can we really justify that route to godly, Christ-honoring marriage?
If we truly trust in the sovereignty of our Almighty Heavenly Father, and pray for godly spouses, he will provide one without us having to compromise Biblical principles. Not only will He provide a suitable match, He will do it in his timing – not ours.
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” Psalm 28:14
“Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.” Psalm 37:4
“Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in Jehovah is everlasting strength.” Isaiah 26:4
Seeking the easiest way
One of the things that really disappointed me about the post was Thomas’ statement “If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the no for what it is and move on to the next woman.” First of all, that isn’t necessarily a “no.” Second, there is nothing wrong with a girl (assuming she lives at home) who involves her father and mother when making decisions. Where she goes and whom she goes out with is not something outside of her parent’s interest. A young woman at home no matter her age is under the authority of her father until she gets married and the authority is transferred to her husband. If she doesn’t live at home there should still be a trusted person that she can be held accountable to. We are not free agents able to come and go and do as we please. If we do, we had better watch out!
“Seven reasons why you should avoid dragon guarded woman” is his list of advice for young men. While he did present some valid, potential issues with “a dragon guarded girl” it is very unfair to mark a girl with such a dad, as being somehow not worth pursuing. Now, a father that is overbearing and harsh is not to be justified. In that case, a young man who has recognized godly character in a woman and has direction from the Lord will not be daunted by the dragon, and will move mountains to get to her. If he is humble and makes an effort to please and honor an unkind father, he will be blessed. Last I checked it was honorable and noble for the prince to fight the dragon in order to prove himself and win the affection of the princess. A man who would chicken out in this situation is wimpy and probably not worth the princess’ time.
The message from Thomas and others I have heard, promotes wanting to find an easier way. Unfortunately, our modern culture has encouraged this, even within the church. Samuel Rutherford once said, “There are some who would have Christ cheap. They would have Him without the Cross. But the price will not come down.” Our fleshly nature would rather cheapen what Christ has done for us. We want the prize without the suffering and the glory without the shame. The truth is, the road of suffering Christ walked is the same road every Christian must walk. “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23
He walked this way already, and now will give us the strength and guidance to follow in His steps.
Surrender and Sacrifice
This brings us to perhaps the most crucial point in the life of every Christian, no matter who you are or what your age is. It is easily summed up in one simple word – surrender. What exactly are we putting to death and surrendering? Everything would be a good place to start. Even the good and pure desire of marriage must be surrendered, for marriage can be an idol. The desire is not, but the obsession is. The Bible is crystal clear: Anything that captures your heart and focus above Jesus Christ is an idol.
“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3
“… for their heart went after their idols.” Ezekiel 20:16
“My little children, keep yourselves from idols.” 1 John 5:21
“…She went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the Lord.” Hosea 2:13.
To be fully surrendered is to have let go completely, not expecting anything to be restored, and trusting in God to do as He sees best. The end of this sacrifice is not death and ashes. Rather, it is peace, love and joy unspeakable.
The attitude of surrender was sadly lacking in Thomas’ post. What he did talk a lot about was having fun and finding your mate in the quickest and easiest way possible.
“Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of marriage fun.”
It is important for married couples to have fun with each other.”
With traditional dating…the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.”
I’d like to know where in the Bible this “fun” notion comes from. Yes, God created pleasure and it is fine and good, but it should not to be a driving force in our life as Christians. And it certainly is not to be first in the important decision of pursuing marriage!
Living a life devoted to God is our reasonable service. He wants to be first in our mind and heart. He calls each and every one of us who have been born again down a path of complete obedience to Him. This sacred call requires that we lay down our wants, our dreams, and our ambitions in order to be fully abandoned to Christ and identified through Him. To do His will should be our greatest longing!
“…That ye present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” Romans 12:2
The Gift of Singleness
As a single young man or woman, your assigned portion for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Don’t fall into the trap of seeing singleness as a stigma, or marriage as a right. Each Christian single must come to the place where marriage is not their goal or endpoint in life. Thomas’ article encouraged otherwise.
“The other problem with courtship is it delays marriage.”
“They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship the just grabbed whatever the world was offering.”
“Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.”
At the core here is discontentedness, and an attitude that singleness is a problem. Did God make a mistake when he didn’t design every man and woman to find their life mate by age 21? I don’t think so. Yet, modern voices today are spreading the lie that singleness is not desirable and should be solved as soon as possible. Singles often face much pressure – from within and outside the church. A spiritual sounding message could go something like this: “God designed marriage, so you should be seeking it persistently. Go find the places where there are singles, and date around. When you search for a mate you are doing what God intended you to do!”
Our flesh likes that message – that selfish, self-centered nature of ours that would love to take control over this important aspect of our lives. Ironically, that fleshly nature is the very thing the Bible speaks over and over about putting to death!
“For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die.” Romans 8:13
“This I say then, walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16
“Flee also youthful lusts:” 2 Timothy 2:22
“…make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts therof.” Romans 13:14
It is possible to be satisfied, content and full of joy as a single person. The error we have the potential to fall into, though, is that Christ is not enough. I got to learn first hand through heartbreak that He is enough, and He alone can satisfy every longing and desire of my heart. I need nothing else. Does that mean we should never have any feelings for someone and desires for marriage? Listen to what Elisabeth Elliot has to say about our feelings.
“A good and perfect gift, these natural desires. But so much more the necessary that they be reborn in power and purity for God.”
In 2014 a wise friend shared something with me that she’d read, and in my own words I wrote it in my diary. “Our natural desires and affections in the flesh distract us from truly desiring God. My heart will always look for someone to latch on to. It is, after all, what God created us to do. Thus, it is impossible to bridle our hearts with mere rules in an attempt to control its’ passionate desires. God must captivate our strong desires, so that we are fully entranced by His beauty. This love for God does not mean you will no longer crave human love. These desires are good in their proper place. What it means is you have a true and faithful friend to whom you can turn to.” Our feelings need not be eradicated. We will never be absolutely free from the flesh in this lifetime. Yet, the desires in our flesh must not run us. In Corinthians we are instructed to cast them down.
“Casting down imaginations… and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 10:5
“But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection.” 1 Corinthians 9:27
What does a Biblical love story look like then?
I won’t even bother to describe how I think this process should take place. I would be no better than all the others that have attempted to fit romance into a box. We cannot define any of this with our limited, human understanding. However, if you can put all these pieces together, a good picture takes form of what a love story, according to God’s Word, should look like. It’s not about courtship, or dating, or whatever term you use to describe this somewhat messy process of men and women coming together. Terms don’t define our lives – our lives will reveal our terms. What ultimately matters is the heart of each individual. Are they completely taken up with Christ; fully surrendered to His will and pattern? Are they committed to serving the Lord, and living out His love in their life? If those things are laying the foundation, the “model” they use for working toward marriage will not be of great significance. With Christ at the helm, an earthly story will take place according to His plan. It can be a beautiful and stunning picture of the way He is with His bride, the Church.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.” Ephesians 5:25
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery.” Ephesians 5:31&32
But how will I know?
This is yet another example of a question without a cut and dried answer. The first thing we need to remember is God does not necessarily have some special person ordained from the beginning of time for us to marry. He is the Alpha and Omega and knows all the beginning and the end, but it is not as if we will meet someone someday and a voice will thunder from heaven, “This is the one!” Now, I am not saying that could not happen. I know personally a few couples that experienced revelations ahead of time whom their spouse would be. There is nothing wrong with that, but buying into the “the one” mentality could wreak havoc later on in a marriage. When trials come, the temptation will be there to think that maybe you missed it and married the wrong person. Many marriages have fallen apart by one or the other opting out to chase after someone who they think God actually meant for them to be with. What a tragedy!
It is better to instead commit finding a suitable, godly spouse to God and allow Him to lead you. If we ask Him for help in this area, He will certainly come to our aid! For women this means no more husband-hunting. The best way to find someone is to do nothing, besides what God has given you for today. Strive to glorify Him in all that you do, and you will be amazed by how He will bless that kind of self-denying spirit!
For men, God designed them to be the leaders and instigators in this process. If they too are serving Christ, they won’t have to worry about finding a godly wife. The Lord will lead them to a godly woman, and will give them the courage and will to commit to a God-honoring relationship with her.
In James it says, you have not because you ask not. There is a seeking of Gods will that you can and should do! Pray for your future husband or wife, and pray that God would lead you to that person in His timing. Also pray that the Lord would be preparing you to be a godly spouse so that when the time comes you will be the kind of person your future mate has been praying for as well.
Discovering the will of God in anything can be a little like climbing a steep hill. We really don’t know what is at the top until we get there. It takes faith and work to reach where we want to be. Seek the Lord in prayer; asking Him to show you what would bring glory to Him. Then, go forth and do not doubt in the darkness what God reveals to you in the light. He is faithful!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be glory.” Ephesians 3:20&21
In Conclusion
I feel as if I have barely scratched the surface in this article when it comes to relationships. Our words will never be adequate while discussing the truths of God’s Word. However, I would leave you with the practical guidance for singles from Elisabeth Elliot. It is timeless and above all, grounded in truth.
- Aim, above all else, at loving God
- Make a wholehearted surrender of your life to God.
- Believe that He takes you at your word.
- Do not be surprised at the opposition of the adversary.
- Pray, making your requests known unto God.
- Watch.
- Expect Him to give you what He knows is best for you.
- Receive His answers for today.
- Trust His timing.
- Obey God in the least thing shown.
- Commit your uncertainties and fears to Him.
- Act on principle, not on impulse; will, not emotion.
- Accept the demands of your masculinity or femininity.
- Do not walk into temptation. Flee.
- Make a commitment to not be merely careful but chaste.
- Keep your hands off and your clothes on.
- Confide in and seek help from an older Christian.
- Remember that to take up the cross means suffering.
- Be grateful for your assigned portion.
- Praise and sing to the Lord. Thank Him for everything.
- Keep a quiet heart.
- Do the next thing.
“…I hope that God’s true gentlemen will have the courage and forthrightness with the woman to whom they are attracted. My father’s rule for my brothers worked. Never mention love ‘til you propose. Give yourself a time limit to make up your mind.
And a word for God’s true women: be feminine, be modest, be simple. Ask God for that gentle and quiet spirit that is a thing very precious in His sight… Keep your own counsel. There will be time enough to discuss feelings when proposal comes. You will be glad you did not do the hunting.”
From “Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity” by Elisabeth Elliot
“Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be moved. My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Psalms 62:1,2&5
“But all through life I see a cross
Where sons of God yield up their breath
There is no gain except by loss
There is no life except by death
And no full vision but by Faith
Nor glory but by bearing shame
Nor justice but by taking blame
And that Eternal Passion says,
Be emptied of glory and right and name.”
-Amy Carmichael
Hiding in the Light 