My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.
Psalm 5:3
Today I was thinking about prayer.
More specifically, I was recalling the answers I’ve seen and experienced to the prayers I have prayed. The big one that stood out to me right away was the prayer I prayed years ago when my sister and I decided we wanted more siblings. (Sometimes I wonder what was wrong with just four of us, but most of the time I am awfully glad we are six!) Let me tell you the story…
When I was probably about 12, we began to ask God for a little brother or sister. It seemed like a tall order because our mom wasn’t exactly young anymore and our youngest sister was at least 5 or 6 at the time. But we prayed anyway. With God all things are possible, right?
A few years slipped by and nothing happened. I don’t even recall how consistently I prayed over that time, but I’m pretty sure I was not very diligent. God had heard my feeble prayers, though, and was making plans I could have never imagined!
My mom did get pregnant eventually, making all of us thrilled. Our excitement soared, but then was shot down when she miscarried. I was crushed, wondering if God had made a mistake. Why would He answer my prayer only to take it away?
I had much to learn about God’s mysterious ways that are “past finding out.”
Not too long after the miscarriage, my mom was pregnant again. This time carrying to full term a healthy boy. Finally, we had our baby brother that I’d only been able to dream about and imagine for years.
I didn’t think it could get any better than that. God had answered our prayers! And then, almost exactly 13 months later a second baby joined our family. God had given us not just one, but two little brothers!
While recalling this story today of answered prayer in my life, I thought about my prayer list. Currently I don’t have one in writing, and probably most of us don’t. Yet we have one in our minds as we think of people, situations and other things to pray for and about. I want to make up a written list sometime for myself, and when I do I’ll use the list of ideas I am going to share here. They aren’t necessarily in any particular order, nor is it complete.
– My family
Instead of complaining about them or getting angry or annoyed with what they may do or say, pray! Talking about them with others will not solve my problems. I need to pray especially for my mom and dad, who are in authority over me that God would steer their hearts in the direction He wants. I need God’s help to love and honor them at all times, even when I don’t think they are doing things the way that they should.
-My church family
Same thing applies to them. I must be quicker to talk about them on my knees than to discuss them with others. And pray especially for the young people!They are facing endless worldly pressures just like me and are in need of godly encouragement. Pray for the church as a whole that they would be all the way for Christ.
-The country, world and leaders
This is harder for me to remember to do this for some reason. Yet, we are told in the Bible to pray for our leaders – those in authority around us. It is in my best interest to pray for godly leaders and for God’s will to be done in this country.
-My future spouse (Lord-willing)
When the Lord convicted me on this one several months ago, I balked. Sure, I’d done it before randomly in the past, and I wasn’t questioning it’s importance. The fact of the matter was, I just didn’t want to. I still don’t. Why? I suppose maybe it is because I’ve not been very encouraged so far by what I’ve encountered when it comes to guys. Perhaps it is because I don’t see many thriving, healthy marriages around me. Or maybe I’m just fed up with the whole relationship thing. I don’t know for sure, but I know what God told me so I’m going to listen. It helps me if I think that perhaps he is praying for me too! And another point is, I need to pray that God would be making me into the kind of godly spouse that will bless a future mate.
-My friends
This is another one I tend to overlook. But it is so important! So often we have no idea what our friends might be going through. Especially those who might not share with you some of the deeper, private issues in their lives. Cover them with prayer and seek to encourage the struggling friend in your life. As a note, be careful with this in opposite sex friendships… It’s a sticky place and everyone’s boundaries will be different, but be cautious! Your great intentions can easily get turned into something you never intended! Young men need godly men to help them and young women need women. Stick with that and your life will be less complicated. 🙂
-The lost and dieing
This covers nearly everyone else. The whole world is lost (if they don’t have Jesus), and they are dieing. Pray for those that don’t know Christ as their Savior, that they would hear the gospel through some means. Pray that God would use me and you to tell them the good news! Pray for the homeless, sick, injured and those in prison.
-Persecuted Christians
Another important one is praying for those that are tortured, beaten, imprisoned and hunted for their faith in Christ. Paul instructed the early church to “remember them that are in bonds as bound with them.” (Heb 13:3). I need to do the same.
So, that is my list of prayer points. It’s not complete but it covers most main areas that I can use to then write a more specific list with names and other details.
Lately I have been convicted that I need to pray more, and think and talk less. Talking isn’t so much a problem for me as is the thinking. The mind is a powerful thing, and all too often mine needs to be reigned in.
And last but not least for that prayer list of mine, I should be praying for myself. Pray and intercede for others, and then ask God to help you too! He is always just right there, waiting for us to connect and draw near to Him in prayer and supplication.
“If I could count all the tears that have fallen, They would seem like an Ocean to me. And if My heart were a window that you could look through, All the pain and scars you would see.
But Tears will never stain the streets of that city. No wreaths of death on my mansion door. Teardrops aren’t welcome beyond the gates of glory Cause the heart will never break anymore.
I’d questioned the loss of a loved one, The grave seems final and cold, Oh, but we’ll meet again, where death has no victory, In a land where we will never grow old.
Well I’ve never met one man without sorrow. Never looked into eyes with no pain. But I know a land where grief is a total stranger, And songs of joy are the only songs they sing.”
At the beginning of February my family and I had gone up to visit my sister and her husband in Canada. On our last night we played hockey and then went to Brandon’s parents house for dinner. One of the couples from our church group was there as well- Andrew and Carla. When it came time for them to leave I made a point to say goodbye to both of them for two reasons. Number one, I knew that I would be in Guatemala when everyone would be in Canada for our next quarterly church weekend, thus they wouldn’t see me then. Number two, I had recently become more sensitive to the fact that saying goodbye is important. You just never know when you might not see someone again. At least, in this life.
How could I have known that the next time I would see sister Carla would be at her funeral?
Today, barely three short months after that goodbye, I stood in front of her casket. Her body was visible, looking very much like Carla, but she was not there! No smile, no movement, no life. Only cold, pale stillness.
Open caskets have always made me shudder, and this was no exception.
It was a nice service and I was glad to be there, but in many ways it was the hardest funeral I’d ever been to. But it shouldn’t have been.
Unlike most of the other funerals I have attended, this one the deceased was a christian. Carla was born again, washed and made new by the blood of Jesus. She knew her God and knew where she was going. In that respect we could all rejoice and praise the Lord, yet losing her pained the hearts of our entire church family. She was only 56…
The reason it was hard for me was seeing the grief of her husband Andrew. The two had been inseparable, going everywhere and doing everything together. They were truly one flesh in all its meaning. The separation tore a part of Andrew away and has caused more pain for him right now than I can imagine. As he shared at the end of the service, there was hardly a dry eye in the room.
I saw a man whose heart was broken and mine was breaking for him.
As hard as it is for Andrew, he knows his life will go on. He admitted this himself to all of us today. He also knows His God, and has a fire and passion for the Lord that has always been an inspiration to me and others. Carla was undeniably a woman devoted to God, and to her husband. She was filled with the Holy Spirit and lived her life as an example of service, selflessness and Christ-like love. And it was all because of Jesus. I desire to be more like she was, with the qualities she exhibited. Truly she was a Proverbs 31 woman. A virtuous woman whose price was far above rubies.
Looking back, I’m so glad I said goodbye to Carla that night at Rantas. Little did I know it would be the last goodbye.
But God knew.
His child Carla is now sleeping in Jesus. Her race is finished; her work on this earth over. Her life book has permanently closed, yet mine and yours are still open. Are we living today to please our Maker before our book says “the end”?
We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
My sister was asking when I would post again, and I told her that I would try to when I got to the Capital before going home. It is difficult to choose what to write about because there is so much, but here is a small taste of one of the things that God did for me. You’ll find this post is quite vague, but I’ve decided to not go into too much detail for various personal reasons. All the same, it’s a story of God’s faithfulness and grace for a sinner like me.
Anna, this is for you, because you asked!
As I sit here at the mission headquarters in Guatemala I can’t help but spend some time reflecting upon the last 6 weeks of being here in a country I’ve come to love. I think it’s the people and not so much the scenery that have captured my heart. I will say though that it is beautiful here and I don’t think I could ever be tired of the misty green mountains, lush jungles and palm trees of the Peten. It’s so dramatically different from my world in WI so maybe that’s why I’m still amazed at everything. This sheltered, small town girl has a lot to see yet!
I won’t even bother to create a post that describes my life from the end of February until now. I’d have to type all day and probably tonight and I’m sure I’d end up boring everyone. Some things just can’t be put adequately into words.
But I would like to share a small piece of what God has done. Because He is just so good!
It all began the week before I flew when something happened that created questions and doubts in my heart and mind. I left home needing answers to questions I’d never needed before. I was frustrated and grieved inside wondering who would be safe to ask. I prayed about it of course and that was all I could do.
My first Sunday in El Chal was something I was very excited about. I had missed singing and listening to preaching in Spanish. I was also looking forward to the message, as Brother Mark Gingrich was going to be preaching.
Before that Sunday I had been praying specifically for a message that would answer my questions, and that there would be something I could go away with that was just what I needed. I don’t pray that way very often when it comes to listening to preaching. I guess I was desperate.
And God wasn’t about to let me down.
Of course, any message will apply to our lives if we are willing and ready to receive it. I kept this in mind during the message that Sunday, but it was almost over before I suddenly realized what it was that God was speaking to me. The light came on and I couldn’t help but smile, and laugh at myself for not having realized it sooner. My Heavenly Father must have been slightly amused by my slowness.
I left that service with a smaller war of doubt and confusion going on in my heart and mind. And it was only the beginning of God’s answers for me.
Throughout the next few weeks He faithfully completed answering all the questions I’d had, in preaching from those who didn’t have any idea what I was going through, and also from a few trusted confidences who didn’t condemn me for my doubts and wonderings.
After 6 weeks of being away from home I can say I have peace with my answers, and joy in the One who so lovingly corrects and chastens those that are His.
This morning I climbed to the top of the cerro (Benj and Holly’s hill), where the garden is, to wait for the sun. It was 5:30 and the sky was that funny, pre-dawn gray color with streaks of pink and gold appearing in the east. With Bible in hand I found a bucket to sit on, thinking for sure I’d only be waiting 15 or 20 minutes for the show to occur.
I was wrong.
40 minutes later at 6:10, the anticipated orange ball finally cleared the hazy, blue gray clouds low on the horizon. While it bathed me in its soft glow I felt like the wait had been well worth it.
For those 40 minutes I had enjoyed the stillness of the morning, with the exception of the 2 roosters on the other side of the garden. And the 2 dogs that came to join me. Oh, and 8 year old Ben. So, maybe not so quiet.
But I did have the chance to pray and think. Those two things I’ve had lots of time to do lately. My situation and schedule here lends itself very well to having quiet times. At least, semi quiet.
I especially enjoy the early mornings and evenings here in Guatemala. The view from the hill is beautiful, and never ceases to amaze me. Last night I watched the sun sink down behind the green hills, and this morning I waited for it to come back up on the other side. As I sat there on my bucket I felt that I could stay here in El Chal forever. It feels like home.
My thoughts this morning and lately have been rather scattered. So much has been and is going on in my life, like tough decisions, confusing situations, and dreams and hopes that may never come to reality. What a muddle! Yet, just as I sat and waited for the sun, I must wait on the Lord. He may not show up when I think He will, but it doesn’t mean He is not working. He is going to come, and when He does I will only be able to stand by and watch in awe.
Trust is waiting for what we cannot see. In my devotional, Streams in the Desert, I read yesterday about faith, and how it is the evidence of things not seen. We wait for what we do not see because as yet we do not see it! I am still waiting for answers, and the solving of the mysteries in my life that are just plain ol’ frustrating.
If only my life’s problems could be solved as quickly as the sun rose for me this morning. That would be the day!
Though I may not have answers yet, I do have a faithful Friend to walk beside. He is guiding me even when it seems my way is dark, and all my dreams lay scattered on the floor. He will come through, and someday I will understand the why.
In the meantime I watch, and wait. And enjoy the sunrises and sunsets, because they happen every day! Talk about an awesome creation by an awesome God.
“As the heavens are high above the earth, so are His ways higher than ours.”
In Spanish, tu sin mi is translated as “you without me.” I first heard the phrase in a little music video about coffee. The coffee mugs are singing to people who drink coffee about how the lack of coffee will affect them. Basically, what you look like without coffee if you are used to having it often. 🙂 I am not by any means a coffee addict, but I do enjoy it several times a week. Thus, I was able to identify with the song. It made me smile and laugh. I would attach the link to it, but to really appreciate it’s message I think you need to know some Spanish…
Besides being funny, this video provoked a thought in my mind. For a few moments I imagined someone else proclaiming this message of “you without me.”
I was thinking of my Heavenly Father.
Being I have grown up in a Christian home, I don’t really know what it is like to be out in the world without any knowledge of God, or His love for me. However, I do know something far worse-to know God and then to be so far away from Him.
While much of the world exists in blissful ingnorance of the Creator and author of their souls, as Christians you and I do not. To have that knowledge and then not be walking with Him is the worst feeling I can imagine.
For a time that was where I was, knowing of God, yet not abiding in Him. I was kicking against the truth and resisting what I knew, wanting to do things my way. Without even being aware of what was happening, I was propelling myself further and further from the One who loved me most of all.
By the grace of God I didn’t stay in that condition. He pulled me out of the miry clay and over time corrected my thoughts, actions, and ultimately my heart. Most importantly, he showed me what I look like without Him. It’s a picture I shudder to see.
Since that dark part of my life, the last 6 or 7 years have been one grand journey of discovery! Each grief and trial and each joy and victory have only served to bring me closer to Him. It’s a journey of learning to walk in His light that I will be continuing til the day He calls me home.
I don’t like to think about the ugliness and darkness of what my life was and still could be without the light and influence of God’s holy spirit. I don’t often recall those days, but that silly coffee song reminded me of “me without Him.”
It’s good though to consider our lives, though, and where we came from and who we are today in Christ. I can’t imagine even wanting to live without Him now! Life would have absolutely no meaning and no purpose. That’s why Jesus said in John, “without me you can do nothing.” (15:5)
Another Spanish phrase I like a lot is, “sin ti, Dios, nada soy.”
Without you, God, I am nothing.
Yes, truly without God we have no reason to exist. It is because of Him we live, and move, and have our being.
Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer to the God of my life. Psalms 42:8
“You can take him Lydia.” Kendra’s voice sounded far away and barely penetrated my awareness. I stood motionless for a moment still in awe at what I had just witnessed. Time had seemed to stand still while the miracle of a new life had slipped into the world.
The baby’s lusty cries soon propelled me into action and I wrapped him up while hermana Cata and Kendra focused on the mother and dealing with the placenta. I cradled the baby in my arms and moved away from the bed still in awe. This tiny, wrinkled and brown wailing creature was a person! And just minutes ago he’d left his mother’s dark, sheltered womb to join us. There was nothing I could do but smile.
I cradled the baby close, enjoying the feel of his warm, wriggling body against mine. Then, for a moment I tried to pretend that he was my own.
But I could not.
I had only been in Guatemala for 1 day when I got my first opportunity to attend a birth. I could not have been more excited! However, the woman’s labor was stalling and she decided to go to the hospital. The ambulance came (just a truck with a topper and benches in the back) and she was off.
Two days later Catalina called and said she had an indian lady in labor at the clinic and I should come right away. Kendra had to go to town anyways so she took me and ended up staying with us the whole time for which I was very glad. My Spanish just isn’t good enough yet to understand all that is going on.
After 4 hours this little guy made his appearance and let us all know his opinion right away. We weren’t fast enough and he was cold and wanted to eat. (Life is so rough when you’re only 6 lbs 12 oz and have been so suddenly thrust into a world of bright lights and hovering people.)
I tried to comfort him and held him close, all the time wondering what it would be like if he was my baby.
“If you were mine, little one, I would…” My thoughts trailed off and I could not fully comprehend how being a mother for the first time would feel. In those moments of awe and wonder, however, I may have gotten a slight taste of the love and joy.
Perhaps someday I will get the chance to experience the real deal. For now, however, I am content to watch and assist while someone else welcomes a new baby.
That night as I fell exhausted into bed, I was reminded of the verse in Psalms that talks about being fearfully and wonderfully made.
“For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms 139:13-14
That Psalm happens to be my favorite. It has even more meaning for me now after having witnessed a birth for the first time. It truly is a miracle, and God gets all the glory for his marvellous work!
With Valentines Day this weekend and half the world buying romantic cards, roses, candy hearts and chocolate for eachother, I wanted to send out a reminder that this day is not about love. And for all my single, female friends out there, this Sunday is not the time to be feeling sorry that there is no special guy to send you a dozen roses and a box of mint chocolates wafers. You aren’t missing out on anything. Really.
Like Christmas, and most other holidays we tend to acknowledge and/or celebrate, Valentine’s Day is rooted in paganism. The name itself comes from a a Roman Catholic priest. He believed in godly, Christian marriages and performed them during a dark time in Europe’s history. Emperor Claudius had outlawed marriage because men were better soldiers if they did not have a wife and children. Young couples in the church who wanted to get married anyway, went to Valentine to be joined together in secret. Once caught, Valentine was tortured, imprisoned and eventually beheaded. Not very romantic, is it?
Of course the Catholic church in tme made him into the patron saint of lovers. But it didn’t stop there. In 380 ad Christianity (really Catholicism) became the official religion of the Roman Empire. Many of the pagans eventually converted, but they didn’t quite leave all their traditions and rituals behind. The fertility festival, Lupercalia, was one such custom. You can read more about this festival here: The dark side of Valentine’s Day and The real story about Valentine’s Day.
The church saw this festival as an opportunity to honor their saint Valentine and so they adopted the pagan day and Christianized it.
“Early Christians were happier with the idea of a holiday (Valentine’s) honoring the saint of romantic causes than with one recognizing a pagan festival. In 496 A.D., Pope Gelasius named February 14 in honor of St. Valentine as the patron saint of lovers. ” (How Valentine’s Day Works, Apr. 1, 2000, retrieved Jan. 11, 2011)
It’s easy to go along with the world when it comes to the popular holidays. They are normal and you are considered odd if you don’t celebrate them. But as Christians, our desire should be to please and bring glory to God. The question we must ask ourselves, is, does a holiday rooted in paganism do that? I would adamantly say no, because if we read the Bible we’ll find it has a few things to say about following the ways of the heathen.
“Learn not the ways of the heathen… for the customs of the people are vain.” Jeremiah 10:2
“Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them…and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? Thou shalt not do so unto the Lord thy God: for every abomination to the Lord, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods.” Deuteronomy 12:30,31
“And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye are the temple of the living God…Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.” 2 Corinthians 6:16,17
Can it get any clearer? Gods word speaks for itself. If we are His temple, we must be jealously guarding it’s gates from things like pagan practices, that would pollute it.
So if Valentine’s Day endearments and gifts aren’t real love, what is it? Fake love would be the simple answer. Actually, the romantic, fuzzy-feeling kind-of-love encouraged in our culture today is called eros. It is the Greek word for an erotic, self centered and sensual love. Found in man-woman relationships, this love focuses on how “you make me feel”, and “I love you because you love me.” In this way, couples can fall out of love as easily as they fell into it. While eros is healthy within a marriage, it is destructive outside of the God ordained institution. In addition, eros is not what sustains a marriage. It cannot keep a husband and wife together, but agape love will.
Agape love is the ultimate love. It’s also the one we don’t naturally have inside us. God’s love is agape, or charity as we read of in 1 Corinthians 13. This love is everlasting, accepting and understanding. When I think of true love, three descriptions come to mind.
Love is sacrifice
Agape is all about what you do for someone else. “Seeketh not her own.” 1 Cor 13:5 We already know that God loves us. He always has and always will. Thus, we don’t need to look for love from anyone else. Our only assignment is to love others as he has loved us. We do this in our actions because love is a verb. As depicted in the photo above, love is about what we do and it’s often hard work. It’s not meant to be easy. But our decision and commitment to love others is proof of God’s Spirit working in our lives. We can sacrifice ourselves and serve someone else because Christ, the author of love, gives us the power to do so.
Love is repentance
We all love to be right. It hurts our pride when we aren’t, and it’s even worse when we have to admit it to someone. When engaged in a conflict, agape doesn’t focus on the faults in the other person. Instead it sees the problem in the mirror and drives you to do your part by saying “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry” Repentance is a beautiful thing!
Love is forgiveness
After repentance comes forgiveness. Yet, repentance is not required if you are the one needing to forgive someone. Agape forgives even if the other person never admits their wrong and asks you to forgive them. Love is about loving those who don’t deserve it. After all, we didn’t deserve God’s love. Yet He sent His beloved Son to die on the cross for our sin. What a wondrous love that is!
And agape love is so much more. There are endless words to describe it’s actions and behaviors. Something else to remember, is agape love often does not feel good to us. For example, children receiving instruction from parents may not like what they are being told. Most often correction won’t sound like the love our flesh wants to feel. Our natural state resists the correction and rebuke that is given out of love.
As Valentine’s Day comes around again and I’m still single just as I was last year, and the year before, and so on, I’m reminding myself of God’s love for me. I don’t need to feel it from anyone. I am already so loved and valued by my King and my Redeemer! Because he washed me with His blood, I am a new creature, and I can love others with that same sacrifice and endurance.
Love never fails.
“Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.”
1 John 4:11
“My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and truth.”
I wrote this article originally in response to Thomas Umstattd Jr’s post, “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed.” You can find a link to it here. While I wrote my article, it quickly became much more than a response, and represents much time and thought both on my part, and my dad’s, who patiently read and edited every new copy I gave him. I also have S.H. to thank for sharing Thomas’ article with me which helped to fuel my fire. To God be all the glory!
My sister Anna and her husband Brandon on their wedding day in April, 2015
Marriage has existed since God created Adam and Eve…
He designed it to be beautiful, good, and pure. The question is how should Christians set about getting to marriage? Is there a right or wrong way? There are three main known and accepted “methods” that come to mind. The oldest would be the system of arranged marriage, then courtship, and in more recent history, dating. If we set aside the definitions and terms for these methods, perhaps the better question to ask is how we could best glorify God in this part of our lives?
Unfortunately, the way men and woman should come together in marriage is not cut and dried, or black and white. The way it will happen for each couple is going to be unique and different from anyone else.
I think it is sad that the process for moving towards something as sacred as marriage has become such a sensitive, controversial issue. Recently I read an article by a young man who was a former proponent to courtship. He switched to an opposing stance after seeing and hearing enough negative issues and being convinced by his grandma that courtship was a bad idea.
His blog post, entitled “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed”, gained much attention when he wrote it in summer 2014. In a nutshell, he laid out the problems and issues that many courtshippers have been facing, such as power tripping fathers, lack of knowing what kind of person you want to marry, awkwardness, not enough fun involved and more. He then suggested returning to the casual dating methods of the Greatest Generation (those from the Great Depression era and World War II), where guys and gals dated for fun at an early age, decided later who fit them best and then “went steady” until marriage. As someone else observed, this way would be more suited for a perfect world, and less for the fallen, sinful one we live in.
Several of the problematic courtship issues Thomas pointed out are very valid. I have observed a few courting couples who encountered a good deal of the described negativity, and I agree with him that courtship, as it is often practiced can be flawed. Thomas’ assertions and suggestions, however, are completely unfounded, at best naïve, and at worst deceitful.
My purpose for writing this is not to defend courtship, or come up with my own opinion on relationships. Neither is it to badmouth Thomas Umstattd. Rather, my goal is to shed some light on what the Bible reveals about the pursuit of marriage by peeling away our man made definitions and terms. I am not saying that definitions and methods are all bad, but there can be a point when our focus is more on them than on what really matters.
The Wrong View
In the beginning of the article, Thomas Umstattd describes how he used to view courtship. He read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and jumped on the courtship bandwagon. “Dating was evil and courtship, whatever it was, was godly, good and Biblical.” His mentality became that courtship would solve the problem of divorce and create these blissful, romantic marriages. Not so. We live in a fallen, sinful world, and every time humans are involved in any process there will be difficulty.
Thomas has made the observation that divorce amongst couples that courted is on the rise. Currently there are no sound numbers to go by regarding the courtship divorce rate, which he admits. At the same time he is proposing a solution as if courtship has already been proven a failure. His heading, “why the courtship divorce rate is so high”, shows that he already believes it is one of the reasons why courtship is fundamentally flawed. He also says that several of his friends and peers (including himself) haven’t had courtship work for them yet. “Most of them are still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded.” That statement tells a lot about what has been and still is a problem in many cases. We read books, or listen to a person, and we line ourselves up with a human and a method rather than God. When things don’t happen like we thought, we become disillusioned, bitter and ready to throw in the towel. This is because our viewpoint was wrong in the first place. Courting couples that got divorced definitely had issues that went beyond the fact that they courted. Thomas seemed to think that only courtship was to blame. Courtship, which has been described as a means to avoid the pitfalls of dating, can be abused and corrupted just like anything else. Instead of blaming the method, consider the condition at the heart of the matter – the hearts of those involved.
I know it sounds cliché, but the best way to create a lasting marriage is to be first committed to Christ, then to each other, and to nurturing the relationship for life. There’s more of course, but those are the building blocks for the foundation. If the foundation is strong, it will not be moved when the storms come.
Embracing the world
“My grandmother grew up in a marginally christian community. People went to church on Sunday, but that was the extent of their religious activity.”
“Traditional dating fits our culture like a glove.”
As Christians we are to be set apart, and different than the rest of the world. Why then is he suggesting that simply because dating fits our culture, we should accept it? He is advocating that we “christianize” the world’s ways of doing things.
Scriptures say, “Come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you.” 2 Corinthians 6:17
“And be not conformed to this world.” Romans 12:2
It should not be that we adopt the methods of the world, or of nominal Christians not guided by Biblical principles. Thomas’ logic in switching to the casual dating system was because the Greatest Generation had a lower divorce rate than we do today. He is not considering the reality that divorce was almost nonexistent in that time, and for years after still carried much social stigma.
Knowing what we want
“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.” Proverbs 21:2
There are a many places in the Bible that reveal our sinful nature. Our hearts are not to be trusted when it comes to making significant, life-changing decisions such as whom we will marry. We may think we know what we want in a mate, and what type of person would be compatible with us, but shouldn’t we consider what God wants? Two individuals tendency to get along is important, yet it shouldn’t be the only consideration.
“How can you tell who you want to marry if you aren’t going out on dates?”
“…by the time she had graduated from high school she had gone out on dates with over 20 different guys. This meant that by the time she was 17 years old she knew which [guy] she wanted to marry.”
“If I had only gone out with 3 or 4 guys I would not have known what I wanted in a husband.”
Do we really have to casually date first to decide what kind of person we want to marry? What about consulting the Bible when it comes to determining the godly character you’d like in a spouse? I don’t think that I need to date a few liars or “loose” characters before deciding I don’t want to marry one. There are other ways to observe and seek godly character outside of going on a date with someone. I have known since I was a teenager what I am looking for in a future husband, and it’s not some long, ridiculous list that no one could ever live up to. This kind of man lives for Christ instead of himself, he seeks to serve rather than to be served, and he has a passionate zeal for God that sets him apart. The great thing is I don’t have to date a guy in order to know this. His character is on display for all to see!
Another point Thomas made is the logistic trouble with group interaction amongst young people.
“The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings.”
“…it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that the really are. They need a less intense, 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom.”
I understand this problem all too well, being I often fit into the wallflower category. However, this does not have to be a restricting barrier. I know from personal experience that smaller groups comprised of my more intimate friends helps me to be more open. Going out alone with a guy I don’t know very well WILL NOT. If a young man cannot recognize a girl’s character in a group, he likely will not casually date her long enough for her to open up to him.
Manipulating the Pen
Thomas’ article contained some flawed manipulation methods that bordered on absurd. Here are most of them.
“Traditional dating…also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster.”
“The more guys you meet the faster you will find him.”
“Find a church with lots of single people. There are still churches with a healthy culture of traditional dating. If no one in your church got married last year, don’t expect to break that trend. You can always move back to your parents church after you find your sweetheart.”
The lies here are glaringly obvious. This is all about finding someone to marry, and fast! We wouldn’t want to be single too long because it’s lonely, and awkward, and, dare I say it? Absolutely miserable! Wait a minute. That idea doesn’t seem to ring true with the Bible, does it? Being single is not a curse, and it can be a far cry from misery. I will talk more about this later on.
Find a church with a lot of singles? That’s like reducing relationships to the level of grocery shopping! “Bloom where you are planted” is a good principle to remember. We are not to neglect the church God has already placed us in to fulfill the more “important” task of finding a spouse. That spirit stems from a lack of faith, and essentially tells God we don’t believe he can bring a suitable mate to wherever we are.
He also mentions internet dating/matchmaking sites (the christian ones of course) as also being a good option. I could go on and on about the dangers of that system. Yes, we all probably know at least one happy couple that got together this way. But consider this – in light of God’s word, can we really justify that route to godly, Christ-honoring marriage?
If we truly trust in the sovereignty of our Almighty Heavenly Father, and pray for godly spouses, he will provide one without us having to compromise Biblical principles. Not only will He provide a suitable match, He will do it in his timing – not ours.
“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” Psalm 28:14
“Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass.” Psalm 37:4
“Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in Jehovah is everlasting strength.” Isaiah 26:4
Seeking the easiest way
One of the things that really disappointed me about the post was Thomas’ statement “If she says you need to talk to her dad first, take the no for what it is and move on to the next woman.” First of all, that isn’t necessarily a “no.” Second, there is nothing wrong with a girl (assuming she lives at home) who involves her father and mother when making decisions. Where she goes and whom she goes out with is not something outside of her parent’s interest. A young woman at home no matter her age is under the authority of her father until she gets married and the authority is transferred to her husband. If she doesn’t live at home there should still be a trusted person that she can be held accountable to. We are not free agents able to come and go and do as we please. If we do, we had better watch out!
“Seven reasons why you should avoid dragon guarded woman” is his list of advice for young men. While he did present some valid, potential issues with “a dragon guarded girl” it is very unfair to mark a girl with such a dad, as being somehow not worth pursuing. Now, a father that is overbearing and harsh is not to be justified. In that case, a young man who has recognized godly character in a woman and has direction from the Lord will not be daunted by the dragon, and will move mountains to get to her. If he is humble and makes an effort to please and honor an unkind father, he will be blessed. Last I checked it was honorable and noble for the prince to fight the dragon in order to prove himself and win the affection of the princess. A man who would chicken out in this situation is wimpy and probably not worth the princess’ time.
The message from Thomas and others I have heard, promotes wanting to find an easier way. Unfortunately, our modern culture has encouraged this, even within the church. Samuel Rutherford once said, “There are some who would have Christ cheap. They would have Him without the Cross. But the price will not come down.” Our fleshly nature would rather cheapen what Christ has done for us. We want the prize without the suffering and the glory without the shame. The truth is, the road of suffering Christ walked is the same road every Christian must walk. “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23
He walked this way already, and now will give us the strength and guidance to follow in His steps.
Surrender and Sacrifice
This brings us to perhaps the most crucial point in the life of every Christian, no matter who you are or what your age is. It is easily summed up in one simple word – surrender. What exactly are we putting to death and surrendering? Everything would be a good place to start. Even the good and pure desire of marriage must be surrendered, for marriage can be an idol. The desire is not, but the obsession is. The Bible is crystal clear: Anything that captures your heart and focus above Jesus Christ is an idol.
“Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” Exodus 20:3
“… for their heart went after their idols.” Ezekiel 20:16
“My little children, keep yourselves from idols.” 1 John 5:21
“…She went after her lovers, and forgat me, saith the Lord.” Hosea 2:13.
To be fully surrendered is to have let go completely, not expecting anything to be restored, and trusting in God to do as He sees best. The end of this sacrifice is not death and ashes. Rather, it is peace, love and joy unspeakable.
The attitude of surrender was sadly lacking in Thomas’ post. What he did talk a lot about was having fun and finding your mate in the quickest and easiest way possible.
“Part of what helps perpetuate the institution of marriage is making the process of marriage fun.”
It is important for married couples to have fun with each other.”
With traditional dating…the interaction is easier and more fun when it is not so intense.”
I’d like to know where in the Bible this “fun” notion comes from. Yes, God created pleasure and it is fine and good, but it should not to be a driving force in our life as Christians. And it certainly is not to be first in the important decision of pursuing marriage!
Living a life devoted to God is our reasonable service. He wants to be first in our mind and heart. He calls each and every one of us who have been born again down a path of complete obedience to Him. This sacred call requires that we lay down our wants, our dreams, and our ambitions in order to be fully abandoned to Christ and identified through Him. To do His will should be our greatest longing!
“…That ye present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.” Romans 12:2
The Gift of Singleness
As a single young man or woman, your assigned portion for today is singleness. It is God’s gift. Don’t fall into the trap of seeing singleness as a stigma, or marriage as a right. Each Christian single must come to the place where marriage is not their goal or endpoint in life. Thomas’ article encouraged otherwise.
“The other problem with courtship is it delays marriage.”
“They started making physical compromises in an effort to attract a man. Once they gave up on courtship the just grabbed whatever the world was offering.”
“Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.”
At the core here is discontentedness, and an attitude that singleness is a problem. Did God make a mistake when he didn’t design every man and woman to find their life mate by age 21? I don’t think so. Yet, modern voices today are spreading the lie that singleness is not desirable and should be solved as soon as possible. Singles often face much pressure – from within and outside the church. A spiritual sounding message could go something like this: “God designed marriage, so you should be seeking it persistently. Go find the places where there are singles, and date around. When you search for a mate you are doing what God intended you to do!”
Our flesh likes that message – that selfish, self-centered nature of ours that would love to take control over this important aspect of our lives. Ironically, that fleshly nature is the very thing the Bible speaks over and over about putting to death!
“For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die.” Romans 8:13
“This I say then, walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh.” Galatians 5:16
“Flee also youthful lusts:” 2 Timothy 2:22
“…make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts therof.” Romans 13:14
It is possible to be satisfied, content and full of joy as a single person. The error we have the potential to fall into, though, is that Christ is not enough. I got to learn first hand through heartbreak that He is enough, and He alone can satisfy every longing and desire of my heart. I need nothing else. Does that mean we should never have any feelings for someone and desires for marriage? Listen to what Elisabeth Elliot has to say about our feelings.
“A good and perfect gift, these natural desires. But so much more the necessary that they be reborn in power and purity for God.”
In 2014 a wise friend shared something with me that she’d read, and in my own words I wrote it in my diary. “Our natural desires and affections in the flesh distract us from truly desiring God. My heart will always look for someone to latch on to. It is, after all, what God created us to do. Thus, it is impossible to bridle our hearts with mere rules in an attempt to control its’ passionate desires. God must captivate our strong desires, so that we are fully entranced by His beauty. This love for God does not mean you will no longer crave human love. These desires are good in their proper place. What it means is you have a true and faithful friend to whom you can turn to.” Our feelings need not be eradicated. We will never be absolutely free from the flesh in this lifetime. Yet, the desires in our flesh must not run us. In Corinthians we are instructed to cast them down.
“Casting down imaginations… and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 10:5
“But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection.” 1 Corinthians 9:27
What does a Biblical love story look like then?
I won’t even bother to describe how I think this process should take place. I would be no better than all the others that have attempted to fit romance into a box. We cannot define any of this with our limited, human understanding. However, if you can put all these pieces together, a good picture takes form of what a love story, according to God’s Word, should look like. It’s not about courtship, or dating, or whatever term you use to describe this somewhat messy process of men and women coming together. Terms don’t define our lives – our lives will reveal our terms. What ultimately matters is the heart of each individual. Are they completely taken up with Christ; fully surrendered to His will and pattern? Are they committed to serving the Lord, and living out His love in their life? If those things are laying the foundation, the “model” they use for working toward marriage will not be of great significance. With Christ at the helm, an earthly story will take place according to His plan. It can be a beautiful and stunning picture of the way He is with His bride, the Church.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.” Ephesians 5:25
“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery.” Ephesians 5:31&32
But how will I know?
This is yet another example of a question without a cut and dried answer. The first thing we need to remember is God does not necessarily have some special person ordained from the beginning of time for us to marry. He is the Alpha and Omega and knows all the beginning and the end, but it is not as if we will meet someone someday and a voice will thunder from heaven, “This is the one!” Now, I am not saying that could not happen. I know personally a few couples that experienced revelations ahead of time whom their spouse would be. There is nothing wrong with that, but buying into the “the one” mentality could wreak havoc later on in a marriage. When trials come, the temptation will be there to think that maybe you missed it and married the wrong person. Many marriages have fallen apart by one or the other opting out to chase after someone who they think God actually meant for them to be with. What a tragedy!
It is better to instead commit finding a suitable, godly spouse to God and allow Him to lead you. If we ask Him for help in this area, He will certainly come to our aid! For women this means no more husband-hunting. The best way to find someone is to do nothing, besides what God has given you for today. Strive to glorify Him in all that you do, and you will be amazed by how He will bless that kind of self-denying spirit!
For men, God designed them to be the leaders and instigators in this process. If they too are serving Christ, they won’t have to worry about finding a godly wife. The Lord will lead them to a godly woman, and will give them the courage and will to commit to a God-honoring relationship with her.
In James it says, you have not because you ask not. There is a seeking of Gods will that you can and should do! Pray for your future husband or wife, and pray that God would lead you to that person in His timing. Also pray that the Lord would be preparing you to be a godly spouse so that when the time comes you will be the kind of person your future mate has been praying for as well.
Discovering the will of God in anything can be a little like climbing a steep hill. We really don’t know what is at the top until we get there. It takes faith and work to reach where we want to be. Seek the Lord in prayer; asking Him to show you what would bring glory to Him. Then, go forth and do not doubt in the darkness what God reveals to you in the light. He is faithful!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be glory.” Ephesians 3:20&21
In Conclusion
I feel as if I have barely scratched the surface in this article when it comes to relationships. Our words will never be adequate while discussing the truths of God’s Word. However, I would leave you with the practical guidance for singles from Elisabeth Elliot. It is timeless and above all, grounded in truth.
Aim, above all else, at loving God
Make a wholehearted surrender of your life to God.
Believe that He takes you at your word.
Do not be surprised at the opposition of the adversary.
Pray, making your requests known unto God.
Watch.
Expect Him to give you what He knows is best for you.
Receive His answers for today.
Trust His timing.
Obey God in the least thing shown.
Commit your uncertainties and fears to Him.
Act on principle, not on impulse; will, not emotion.
Accept the demands of your masculinity or femininity.
Do not walk into temptation. Flee.
Make a commitment to not be merely careful but chaste.
Keep your hands off and your clothes on.
Confide in and seek help from an older Christian.
Remember that to take up the cross means suffering.
Be grateful for your assigned portion.
Praise and sing to the Lord. Thank Him for everything.
Keep a quiet heart.
Do the next thing.
“…I hope that God’s true gentlemen will have the courage and forthrightness with the woman to whom they are attracted. My father’s rule for my brothers worked. Never mention love ‘til you propose. Give yourself a time limit to make up your mind.
And a word for God’s true women: be feminine, be modest, be simple. Ask God for that gentle and quiet spirit that is a thing very precious in His sight… Keep your own counsel. There will be time enough to discuss feelings when proposal comes. You will be glad you did not do the hunting.”
From “Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity” by Elisabeth Elliot
“Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be moved. My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.” Psalms 62:1,2&5
Once in a small fishing village by the sea, three men decided to have a sailboat race. They chose to sail across the bay to an island a few miles off shore. On a sunny, breezy day they prepared their vessels, and in high spirits they were off.
At first the going was easy and all three were nearly neck to neck. At this rate it could be a very close race! However, before long the perfect weather began to turn sour. Conditions at sea are almost always unpredictable. This day was no exception.
The wind got stronger and the waves became rougher and higher. The men were in trouble. What would they do?
The older, seasoned sailor was the first to turn back. He grumbled and swore as he maneuvered his sails and pointed his craft towards the docks. There was no way he would even attempt to keep going.
The second sailor was young and brash, but also not willing to continue. He lowered his sails to a safe position and decided to wait out the gale. He was hopeful that soon the winds would cease.
The final sailor didn’t turn back, but he didn’t stop either. Instead, he adjusted his sails and pressed on. His sights remained fixed on the island, yet he was sailing seemingly away from it. This realistic sailor was simply adjusting his course to fit the direction of the wind, but his goal hadn’t changed.
Maybe you have heard the saying, “the pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, and the realist adjusts the sails.” That quote was the inspiration for this little story. Perhaps someone else has already written a better one, but this was my version. It makes my point.
In my life I have typically been an optimist or a realist, depending on the situation. I hate pessimistic and negative outlooks, for they go directly against what the Bible says about joy, endurance, and persistence.
Quite often being pessimistic is easier than the alternatives. It is tempting in our trials to succumb to despair, and even to throw in the towel. “I have had enough!” How often have those words escaped your lips? They have mine a time or two.
Even the most optimistic christian has probably felt like giving in at some point. Going forward takes work. It requires sweat and struggle, and often pain and frustration. That sailor who adjusted his sails didn’t have it easy. The wind was relentless even as he sailed in the other direction. The only thing keeping him going was his eyes never left the island. That was his goal; his only focus.
When life gets tough, don’t take your eyes off Jesus. “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:14) Rather than giving up, or just “hanging out,” be a part of the change. Make adjustments as God directs you, and keep going with an attitude of joy and persistence. Whatever you do, don’t quit! The devil loves to see christians defeated, so let’s not give him the satisfaction.
” He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:7
I was wondering recently how one would possibly challenge and encourage a friend who was struggling. A friend who was constantly slipping back to dwelling in painful experiences of the past, and reliving the hurt and frustration.
What would you say?
What if the friend was genuinely trying to move on, yet still tripping over the very sources of the pain whenever they crossed his or her path? What if every day images and memories swam into view without warning or invitation?
Answers for a situation like this can be varied, but the simple, straightforward answer that sums all others up is this-
Live in the present.
I didn’t want to tackle this subject mostly because I don’t feel very capable. I don’t by any means have it figured out. In fact, I only just grasped the full meaning of the principle a few days ago.
I am that friend needing answers. I am the one needing to be told, “live in the present”. So, here I am giving myself some advice, and if it is a help to anyone else, then great!
1. Give your past a kick
OK, so maybe not literally. But honestly, say goodbye to the things not worth remembering. Whether it’s old sin, people who wronged you or whatever, move on! Nothing is worth harboring. In the case of past sins and regrets, if you have repented before God and made any wrongs right, than you are forgiven! “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
Now, I cannot pretend here that everything is going to magically disappear. It doesn’t. I personally know a few newer Christians who have dealt and are still dealing with the consequences of past sins. The effects of formication, drugs, felonies, etc., don’t just go away. It can take years, if ever. Yet, as Christians we walk in newness of life, with the knowledge that we are clean in the blood of Jesus. He gives strength and grace for the journey of one who is dealing with the effects of an ugly past. Every day with Christ is one step further from where you used to be.
2. Say goodbye to hindsight
A long time ago I once wrote in a notebook the rough draft for a piece about hindsight. Do you think that I could find it now? Of course not. In hindsight, I should have organized my writing a bit better so that I could find old writing when I needed it.
What I just said there is about the only good use for hindsight. It can help us do better the next time. Beyond that, it is mostly useless since we cannot change the past. So say goodbye permanently to the what ifs, and the should haves, would haves, and could haves. They won’t do you any good. If you are trusting in God, He has a reason for everything that happens in your life. Don’t panic, because He never makes a mistake. Let Him have the drivers seat, and enjoy the ride looking forward! Wouldn’t it be awfully silly if we drove down the highway looking behind rather than ahead?
3. Embrace the life you have today
There isn’t a place in the Bible where we are told to live in the past. Neither should we live in the future. Granted there are things we must tend to for the future, it is not to be our focus.
Each new day God has given is a chance to start fresh. Don’t build today with broken pieces of yesterday! Begin your day with prayer (believe me, it works wonders!), and line yourself up with God’s word. Embrace a spirit of thankfulness and joy; an attitude of praise to the One Who made you.
4. Choose the right weapons for your battles
I know that might sound funny, but imagine this for a moment. In a video game, the characters sometimes are equipped with a few weapons to combat the enemy, and individual weapons are for certain conflicts. You have to choose the right weapon when an enemy is approaching. Obviously, a video game isn’t real life, but you get the idea. 🙂
Now comparing that example to our life’s battles, we must choose the right weapon to combat the “enemy of our souls” who is attacking. I first discovered this nearly two years ago when I was struggling in my thought life. I began to combat the enemy’s dart by taking the opportunity to pray for someone. Whenever I started having struggles in my mind, I used it as a spring board to lift someone up in prayer. It took my mind off what I shouldn’t have been thinking about immediately!
And prayer isn’t the only weapon. It could be quoting scripture, reading your Bible, or anything else you can come up with. If it slays the enemy, then it’s the right weapon!
5. Do something productive
This little principle has been the most influential in getting me away from my past hurts and troubles. There is nothing like a challenging and productive activity to distract you from what otherwise would bog you down.
There are hundreds of things to do. Find a fun, (or not so fun) project and tackle it! A few weeks ago I decided to finish mudding the drywall in a small closet of ours. It was much more difficult than I anticipated! After a week of taking a break, I may have the courage to attempt the last coat of mud.
6. Be involved in the life of someone else
One of the best ways to keep yourself out of any pity parties is to focus on the needs and wants of others. Seek to bless someone else every day, even if its just something small. Offer to help your mom, read your younger sibling a story, bring your dad a drink while he is working. You will find the opportunities are endless when you start to look around!
I am not going to lie-this “living in the present” thing hasn’t fully sunk into me yet. Like I said, I am giving myself this advice. I need it badly. Not too long ago I had to come face to face with something that had hurt me, and it was really hard. It pushed me to the limit and made me mad all over again. Mad at the cause. Mad at myself.
Maybe I need to give that past experience a better kick.
Actually, I need to stop reliving and thinking about what hurt me. I need to live for today, in the moment. The next time I have to deal with it will be better.
To sum this up, set your sights on Jesus! Seek Him first, and everything else will fall into place. Don’t worry about what happened last year, or yesterday, or what will come tomorrow, or next year. Embrace today-the day God has given you.
Once in a small fishing village by the sea, three men decided to have a sailboat race. They chose to sail across the bay to an island a few miles off shore. On a sunny, breezy day they prepared their vessels, and in high spirits they were off.
Hiding in the Light 